Pehli Yaadein

Kya yaad hai tumhe vo pehli mulakaat?

Hamare beech kuch 20 seediyon ka faasla tha,

Aur July ki thi vo pehli barsaat

Na jaane peeche mudkar kyun dekha maine,

Tum bhi muskuraakar mujhe hi dekh rahe the

Shayad mere chaate par nazar daal rahe the.

Us do pal ke khamosh alfaaz

Zindagi ban jayege, yeh na socha tha.

Fir kabhi yehi yaad mere dil ko tatolte

Kuch pal ke aansoon de jayenge, yeh na socha tha.

Aaj firse mudkar dekhne ka man hai,

Usi barish main bheegne ka man hai

Tum wahi khade rehna muskuraate hue.

Kyunki aaj ek baar fir vo pal jeene ka man hai. 

Kya yaad hai tumhe vo pehli baar haath pakadna?

Gaalon ka sharmaana, hoton ka umadte jasbaat dabaana

kuch pal tanha guzarne ki chaah main dil ka tadapna.

Tumne chimti kaati thi mujhe zor ki,

Gusse main haath hataya tha maine.

Pyaar se mere haathon ko choomkar

Apne haathon ke beech chupa liya tha tumne.

Tumhara pyaar se satana,

Zindagi ban jayegi, yeh na socha tha

Fir yehi pyaar dil ko satate hue dard ban kar

kuch pal ke ansoon de jayegi, yeh na socha tha.

Aaj fir dil ko tadpaane ka man hai,

Bematlab ki baton par naraaz hone ka man hai,

Tum mera haath apne hathon ke beech chupa lena

Kyunki aaj ek baar fir vo pal jeene ka man hai.

Kya yaad hai tumhe humari vo pehli takraar?

Ek hafte tak roz tumhara number milakar kaat deti thi

Aur Raat ko takiye se apna saara gum baant leti thi.

Aakhir jab 7 din baad darwaaze par tumhe dekha

Toh yeh bhi bhool gayi ki kis baat par naraaz hui thi,

Pal bhar main sulah bhi ho gayi aur pyaar bhari baatein bhi ki,

Ek doosre ke ankahi baton ko samajhne ki

anginat kasmain vaadein bhi ki.

Tumse yun kasmon se jud jaana

Zindagi ban jayegi, yeh na socha tha

Fir yehi toote kasmain mere dil ko chubakar,

Kuch pal ke aansun de jayenge, yeh na socha tha.

Aaj fir tumse roothne ka man hai,

Door rehkar tumhe meri yaad dilaane ka man hai

Par is baar tumhe mananne ka mauka nahi denge

Ab bas khudko jeena sikhaane ka man hai.

Kyunki aaj aakhri baar in palon ko yaad karne ka man hai!

PANNE

Ek kitab thi bahut hi pyaari,

Nayi si vo safed panno waali

Uspar ik daastan likne, maine

Kaali siyaahi ki sheeshi thi nikali.           

Kis pal ki galti thi vo kya pata,

Aaj bhi poochti hoon khudse hi

Laaparwaahi thi ya fir janboochkar

Maine panno par syaahi gira di.

Pehle panne par jo giri syaahi

Har panne ko seenchti chal gayi

Ab kone kone main kala dhabba hai

Aur kahaani toh shuru bhi nahi ki thi.

Syaahi ke saaye se kuch pal bachakar

Kaise sajaaoon unhe in panno par yoon

Yaadein bhi kaali pad gayi aur pal bhi

Shayad ab safed rang se kalam bhar loon.

Fir dhabbo se na jasbaat dabenge

Bun bhi loongi main kuch pal naye

Un rang- berang panno par aaj

Kya pata ek naya afsaana mil jaaye. 

The Sound of Silence

She stood stark naked in the darkness of her room illuminated only by a shiny ray of moonlight trickling in through the half shut window. She had hidden the candle and the matchbox somewhere in the room but she just couldn’t recall where. After awhile of groping about in the dark, she finally found them below her mattress. She lit the candle and suddenly the room seemed alive. Throwing elongated shadows on the walls, the yellow glaring eye of the candle cast its sight on her body. She held the candle close to her face and ran a finger on the melting wax forming tiny white pearl drops on the candle’s body. “It’s time” the voice whispered behind her. She sighed softly and closed her eyes as if in prayer. Then she bent forward and held the candle between her legs, setting afire her vaginal hair. A searing pain shot through her spine, sending down shivers all over the body. She screamed out aloud in pain; a scream that left her lips silently and vanished into the dark corners of the room. But the pain had to be borne, it was her penance. “Your penance will bring him back” assured the voice. She proceeded on with her act of burning herself till the room was clogged with the stink of burns and with an undetected faint fragrance of satisfaction. Soon she passed out on the floor in pain. 

She was 25 when a biker snatched her chain when she stood waiting for the bus at a roadside. The shock left her numb for a week and soon after she started displaying erratic behavior and severe mood swings. After several rendezvous with physicians and psychiatrists, she was diagnosed with clinical depression. There on began her never ending association with doctors and medicines. Locked within the confines of her room, she lost sense of the day and time. Pushed down a desolate road of unhappiness and loneliness, she constructed a silent world for herself. Nobody but her family knew about her illness. Fearing social stigma, they guarded their little secret with utmost care. 

 She did not know when it all started but she remembered being increasingly aware of a voice calling out to her. Faint at first, she shrugged her shoulders and ignored the strange voice. But the voice grew louder every day till one day she clamped her fingers into her ears to drive away the voice pounding on her eardrums. When after awhile she withdrew her fingers the voice was gone. Scared and trembling, as she looked around her room, the voice called out to her again, though this time softly and gently as if caressing her.

“I know how it feels to be alone. I can feel your pain as my own. I want to be your friend.”

“But who are you and why can’t I see you?” she asked

“My name is Nazna. You cannot see me because I come from another world. But from now on I will live with you forever. But you cannot talk about me to anyone or else I will have to kill you. Our friendship is our secret.” The voice replied.

A friendship, which was formed in the secret, became her escape from the clutches of reality. She could speak her heart out with Nazna who understood her pain like her own. She would share secrets with Nazna who assured her of safekeeping. She shed tears of abandonment and Nazna lulled her to sleep with her lullabies. Soon Nazna became a friend she never had. The silent world that she had created was now ringing with laughter, chatter, tears and happiness. But this did not go unnoticed in the real world. The doctors were informed and her medicine dosage was increased. The effect of the tranquilizers made her groggy and made Nazna’s voice sound faint and distant. She could hear Nazna calling out to her as she fell deeper into a sleep state.

“Get her married off.” the psychiatrist advised her father.

“Hers is just a mild case of clinical depression which got triggered by the chain snatching incident. Her imaginary friend is a side effect of the medicines which will be cured by the strong dosage that I have prescribed. The hormonal changes in her body that will occur as a result of an intercourse after marriage, will help bring about the necessary stability in her mental state. So my professional advice to you is to get her married into a good family. Though take care to not miss the course of her medicine. I am certain in a few months she will not need medicines any more.” Her father was assured.

A man with a good name and standing in the society, her father had no trouble finding her an eligible groom. The prevailing social norms did not call for a formal meeting between the boy and the girl, so only photos were exchanged.  With the marriage fixed and the date decided, her tranquilizers were reduced and she woke up to the news of her wedding. After the strong dose of medicines she was feeling better though she realized she could no longer hear Nazna’s voice. In the privacy of her room she tried calling out to Nazna; no voice answered her. But excited and elated with all the attention showered on her, she sailed through the pre- wedding days in a dreamlike state.

Soon the wedding day came and the bride was decked up. The wedding bells rang clear and loud and the bride and groom were declared man and wife. A tearful parting gave way to nervousness which coiled inside her stomach like a snake. Shyly and coyly she entered into her new house with the man who would now be her companion for life through sickness and health. She was shown into his room; no it was her room also now. She sat on the bed waiting for her man. The wedding night had begun!

Back home her father heaved a sigh of relief; finally there was no secret to guard and no stigma to be scared of.

Two weeks later she was back at her father’s house, bags packed and suitcases locked. Not a word was said to her and neither was any eye contact made. One fine morning, he packed her bags loaded them into the car, asked her sit and drove down to her father’s house. As her mother took her inside, she heard heated words being exchanged between her father and him, and then the door slammed shut. His footsteps crunched the gravel angrily as he walked towards the car. She run upstairs and climbed on the slab near the window ledge. Hanging onto the window railing she could see him walk away. And there she stood every single day waiting for him to come back and take her with him. The stranger she had grown to love had abandoned her like a stranger.

 Her only comfort was that Nazna had returned. On the wedding night, Nazna had whispered in her ear. She berated Nazna for disappearing without a word. Having Nazna around, she felt more comfortable in the new house. She could be often heard talking to Nazna in the garden; while working in the kitchen; even when taking a bath. Her friend did not go unnoticed by her new family. A search of her suitcase exposed her well guarded secret; prescriptions and unused medicines bellowed of treachery. The girl was mad, and they had been cheated.

“You have to pay penance” Nazna hissed in her ear. “Your husband left you because you were not a good wife to him. Now, he will only accept you if you pay penance.”

She did not respond.

“Listen to me! You will be left in this dark hole for the rest of your life if you don’t listen to me. Penance is the only way to go back to your husband.” The voice screeched.

She was scared. Of late Nazna had become more dominating and demanding of her. But she also wanted to get back to her husband.

“What do I have to do?” she asked.

“Burn yourself. There is no greater penance than suffering pain. But you have to bear the pain in silence.” Nazna whispered excitedly.

She sneaked stealthily out of her room and returned awhile later. In her hand she clutched a candle and a matchbox. After tonight her sufferings would end and he would come back for her. Just this night! Just this one night, Nazna agreed.